Intentions

When it comes to music, for me there are no more powerful lyrics than these from Lightning Crashes by Live:
“Lightning crashes, an old mother dies
Her intentions fall to the floor…”
My mother was by no means old when she died, she was exactly one month and nine days short of turning 44.
Nowadays there are women having their first child at 44.
I had just turned 16 less than a month before, my brother was 12.
We have no idea what her intentions were for us, for our lives.
We’ll never know what she wanted for her own life…
For all sakes and purposes, her intentions fell to the floor.
I don’t think she intended for my father to blow through her life insurance policy,
I certainly don’t think she intended for him to neglect us in his quest for “companionship”,
And there’s no way in hell I believe she intended for him to abandon my brother and I once he knocked a woman up and started a “new” family.
It’s because of all that that I parent the way I do.
To be perfectly honest, there are a lot of decisions I make simply based on “well, if I follow my mom, how many years do I have left to get ______ done?”
There is a part of me that is holding it’s breath until I turn 44.
There is a part of me that is making sure all i’s are dotted and all t’s are crossed just in case.
I’ve already talked to Moose about if he remarries should anything happen to me, and what I expect under pain of severe haunting.
We’ve discussed the way my life insurance is to be divided up…there will be no “if you don’t go to college your college fund is mine” bullshit like my dad pulled…
I know that just because someone is unable to go to college right after high school doesn’t mean they won’t, or that they couldn’t use that money for a car or living expenses, or a trade school like I tried to do but my dad had already spent my money….
I’ve calculated the boys ages and determined where they should be in life, and what I need to make sure they know ahead of time so that their lives are rocked as little as possible.
If I follow my mom, my intentions might start to fall, but there is no reason that they should hit the floor.
In the meantime…there is a sense of urgency when it comes to E and I’ve started writing down everything I want her to know about me in the event that she hates me past my expiration date.
Now keep in mind that all this is in it’s own compartment of my brain.
The rest of the time I’m eating healthier than my mother did, I exercise, I don’t hold my feelings inside…I have no trouble letting things fly-as most people who know me know.
If there’s a toxic person in my life I get rid of them.
I live my life like there’s lots of tomorrows, and I fully plan on being an absolutely obnoxious grandma.
And there’s a part of me that knows deep down that cancer will not be my undoing.
With my luck it’ll be something completely obnoxious like a hawk dropping a rattlesnake on my head or something crazy like that.

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