Helpless

I heard from E a few weeks ago regarding my letter. I told her that I had come to realize that by blocking me, it could very well just mean that she wants to get on with her life and not have me as a part of it. I wished her well, told her I loved her and would always be here, but I’m done hurting over it, that I was going to do what it seemed to me she wanted and release her.
Judging by the time she wrote her reply she was drunk…
And she was angry.
She cited many things as fact that are complete bullshit, but it’s what she’s been told.
She told me to go to hell, called me a fucking bitch, told me that my stepmonster was a better mother than I could ever be…
But the part that upset me?
“Boo and Keylime are no longer my brothers!”
I know why she said that. I know why she unfriended them on facebook.
When she and I talked on the phone in October she brought up my lack of relationship with my father and I told her that there are things between he and I that are none of her business. There are reasons I refuse to have anything to do with him, and I told her that of all the things he’d done, ignoring Boo and Keylime took the cake.
They were his grandsons, they’d done nothing to deserve his coldness.
She did this simply to hurt me.
But the thing that actually hurt me?
She didn’t care if it hurt them.
She and Boo had been building a good relationship pretty steadily over the past few years.
Facebook, texting, and phone calls. She called him “Bro-Bro”, and he called her “Sis”.
She and Keylime had messaged a couple times on facebook, and he always asked when she’d be able to come out for his birthday…
Boo knows, and it broke his heart.
Yesterday was his birthday. The year before she’d called and written on his facebook wall.
This year silence.
It was on his mind, and he and I discussed it a bit.
He feels responsible for what happened. He wondered if he’d commented too much, liked too many of her statuses.
He’s a bit mad too, like all the times she told him she loved him must’ve been bullshit or it wouldn’t be so easy for her to drop them…
And then he feels guilty for getting mad because in his eyes “she doesn’t know any better”.
And he hates my father and stepmonster for what they’ve done.
Keylime doesn’t know, and there’s no way I’d tell him. It would devastate him.
Moose messaged her on facebook and told her what her coldness has done and tried to throw some truth at her, but she thinks I’m deluded and a liar and that I must’ve told him lies to make him believe my “side”.
When I took her to live with my father and stepmonster, I truly believed I was doing the right thing.
I truly thought she’d be safe and loved.
I thought she’d be happy.
When I began wondering otherwise it was too late.
She called them “mom” and “dad”, she was terrified I would just show up and “steal” her (wonder where that idea came from?), and she’d already been told horrible things like “If it weren’t for us, CPS would have take you away.” (not true by any stretch of the imagination)…
I always hoped she’d want to question me, talk to me so that she could learn the truth.
I had thought about going and getting her several times, but without health insurance there was no way that I’d be able to get her the psychological help she’d need to work through all the bullshit.
And now, after 18 years, I don’t know that she could go through it without having a severe mental breakdown.
I’ve come to accept, it might be easier, and in it’s own sick way, healthier for her to just live out their lie.
There’s never been a point in Boo or Keylime’s life when they didn’t know they had a sister, and now I wonder if that was a good idea, but I did it so that in the event that she DID ever show up at our door that there wouldn’t be an insane amount of explaining and hurt on all sides.
I used to even make sure that one of their Christmas presents would be from her.
I felt that if she had the opportunity she’d send them something just as we did to her every year.
When Boo was 10 he wrote her a letter asking if they could be pen pals.
She never responded…but then we don’t know if she ever got the letter either.
Facebook allowed him to have that relationship. To talk about stuff that bothered him, to get a girl’s perspective on relationships…
To have a “Sis”.
It’s also allowed him to experience a level of rejection that no 14/15 year old should ever have to experience.
And there’s nothing I can do to make it better I feel utterly helpless…
and that kills me.

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2 thoughts on “Helpless

  1. If she knew you at all, she’d know your honesty is perhaps your star quality. I love it most of all about you! But as ‘Boo’ said “she doesn’t know any better.” I’m remembering times in my life where I held onto anger with all my might because it was the best feeling I could muster. And it felt so good spreading my anger & hate that I did it until it didn’t feel good anymore. Thanks for sharing this …hugs to you & omigod…an avalache of hugs to ‘E’ because I don’t think she knows the comfort & love in an honest to goodness one. But that doesn’t mean she never will….

  2. Though my situation is very different I know exactly how you feel when you say it feels hopeless. I am sending you love and hugs. I don’t know what the future holds but boy we could talk. 😉

    *hugs*

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