We went to see the movie Rise of the Guardians today, and I can’t help but feel a little sad.
This is Keylime’s first holiday without believing in Santa…I’ll admit, it went better than with Boo.
When we were talking about telling Boo I wanted to break it to him gently, talk about Santa as “The Spirit of Christmas”, etc…I had this whole speech planned out when my husband who was in the middle of a drug relapse blurted out “Ya know Santa? Yeah, well he doesn’t exist.”
C.O.M.P.L.E.T.E.  D.E.V.A.S.T.A.T.I.O.N.
With Keylime, I got to have my speech, and it was smooth, and lovely.
In his literal mind Santa, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy never made much sense anyway…they were too fantastical.
This time, the only one left devastated was me.
My baby doesn’t believe anymore, and seeing the movie, and finding out that it comes from a series of books called The Guardians of Childhood…well, it just makes me a bit sad.
There is so much sadness, so much heartache and loneliness in this world, that as a parent, I always felt entrusted to guard that magic. Keep that spark of innocent wonder alive for as long as I could.
With Boo I felt like it was stolen from him, and with Keylime…and perhaps with other Aspy kids, maybe it was never really there.
While to my mind, those are almost the kids who need it the most.
They deal with enough shit from people who don’t understand, or who don’t want to understand.
From kids who are too immature to get it, and whose parents don’t teach them to be kind.
But then I look at Keylime when he’s holding a worm, or letting an ant crawl on his hand…when he’s turning on the hose and sending a paper boat down his “waterfall”, or building a house out of cards. Or when we combine ingredients and then put it in the oven and out pops a cake.
I guess with him it’s just like everything else…His magic is “out of the box”.
It’s not contained to certain times of year or life events.
When we explained Asperger’s to him, we kept it simple and just told him that he sees the world in a different way…
He said, “you’re right. I see Big Bear Mountain everywhere I look!” (for the record, he’s never seen Big Bear in real life. Only in pictures on the pamphlets and brochures he collects)
What I think I’ve finally realized (truly, right this minute while I write this) is that there is magic in his world, it’s just seen in a different way.
I’m still charged with being the guardian of his childhood magic, but the beauty here is that his won’t end.
There will never be a “time to have the talk” and suddenly worms or ants will cease to exist…cards will always make houses, and cakes can always be made.
In a way, my Captain Aspy is one of the luckiest children in the world!


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